I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
