The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
