she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
