that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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