I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
