At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
