Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
