I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
His nipple licking is glorious
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