You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
