I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
