Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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