This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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