I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
