someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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