mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
