She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I AM VODKA MAN
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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