if i can run in heels then i can drive
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
