I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
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