She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
