Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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