I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
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In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
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Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Dear god my vagina.
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