If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I am naked and annoyed.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
