I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
you had me at cake vodka
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
My life is pants optional.