Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.