I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
3 2 1 whiskey
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
