Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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