How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
