Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
