never play flip cup with pint glasses
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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