There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
