I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
