stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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