Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
