Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
