sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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