God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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