Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
