If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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