I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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