You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
