my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
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