I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
