eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
this is an emotional support booty call
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
