i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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