I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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