I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
