I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
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Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
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My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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