i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
