hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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