saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
