The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
