One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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