we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
