I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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