i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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